Stumbled, Fallen and Restored...again!

I should not wonder that the Lord continues to restore my soul, my attitude and heal my hurts. I am, after all, the one that has fallen short in my walk with the Lord.  Again.   My mind and heart are hurting on a compounded level that is not even important.

This week, I will quietly walk through the day that marks the third year since my dear sister, Brenda moved to be with Jesus. I still feel the depth of emotion that surrounded that day, and so many days since. Only a few days after that it will be a full year since my world shattered at the unexpected death of my sweet, prayer partner and mentor. Before the month is out, I will be reminded it has been a full years since my Daddy left this earth. Some days bring a heavy heart. Some days pass without tears.
Last week, I left the local pharmacy, for not the first time that day, ( my job sometimes requires a few stops in a single day) lost in thoughts of sorrow and mourning for my friend Joe. Sitting in the passenger  seat of the closest car was the smiling face of Joe's Momma! She greeted me with a precious hug and report she was doing well. Sweet lady passed her 90th birthday sometime back, and she presses on with love and service to our King. She said her son, Dave was in the bakery, so I popped in to say hello. Now, if you do not realize the depth of love Christ demonstrated in that small/great act, leave me a message, I will delight in sharing of His great love.

I miss my Dad, so much each and every day. Some days, I replay our last interaction together in my head. I can see the twinkle in his beautiful blue eyes. A picture I treasure and pray will never fade.  I drive his truck (yes, it sounds like a song!)  Thank you Lee Brice......  I wear his sweater, it feels like a nice warm hug. Thank you Lord for your saving grace, for not forgetting me in my sorrow. But also for picking me up, yet again, to be fully restored by your love.

I have been away from here for too long, I have not had much desire to create or even share a word or thought. Although there are not many followers to my pitiful blog, each of you are special to me, but more importantly, to the Father above, who would give it all again just for you.

Service this morning at church as well as Sunday School, has given me pause to reread the selection of scripture and dig a little deeper. Pray with me, as the Lord reveals to each of us, a little more about who He is and how much He loves me...and you.

Go forth and be blessed as you bless one another

He Fancied Himself an Artist

Several years ago, spending time with Dad, he purchased some pre-made bird houses, collected a few bottles of acrylic paints and some brushes. We talked about the different styles of painting, tole painting being the style he wanted to learn.
Dad believed he could be an artist.
Recently, I discovered a watercolor tablet in his things. There were a few pages that he had colored/painted on. Some looked much like the sort you save from kindergarten. But, I loved looking at those pictures. They show the willing heart of Dad. The belief in himself, that he instilled in all of us. YES,YOU CAN!! Anything you want, you can do. I had been out of high school ten years before I went to nursing school. Still he said, yes, you CAN! And, I did. Thanks Dad. You too Mom, for your belief in me, for pushing me when I thought it wasn't worth it. Without your faith in me, I would not have persevered. Pressing on to the goal for which I am running the race!

Now, I wonder
Did I listen close enough
Did he have deeper desires than I took time to hear
Are his memories lost forever because I failed to care
Oh Dad, I miss you,
I yearn to hear your voice once more
As you share....

My Dad

Missing you so much Dad.

Most days bring a tear or two. Some days bring an unrelenting flood. OH Daddy, how I miss you.  I have never had a hard time going to sleep at night. But now nearly every night, when I close my eyes, I see you as you looked in your final minutes. If I try real hard, I can block the image, only to see another, more close up as I lay my head on your shoulder and cry and say good bye. Run, run to Jesus, when you see him, say yes!! I softly hear the whisper of my dear friend, so recently, and just as suddenly, call to the side of Jesus. Joe prayed with me many times over the years for your health, your peace and most important for your salvation secured. One evening as we prayed, he told me the Lord wanted me to never give up praying for your Dad, your prayers are working. Your father is fine.  That night, I hear his sweet voice again, saying, 'never give up, your prayers are working, your Daddy is fine'. I know you rest in the sweet presence of Jesus. If we truly, know one another as we did on earth, you and Mom, standing with Brenda, now praise His name together, waiting for the rest of your children. I miss you so much. When we lost Mom, all those years ago, you absorbed a special part of her, continued to love each of us in a special way, as if the very heart of Mom was dwelling inside of you. When Brenda died two years ago, a part of you died with her. You really never regained your spunk. I am sorry you suffer the loss of your first born. I miss her too. she and I shared memories that the younger kids didn't. Now I have no one to share with. We just don't have the same memories.

How we struggle here without you to be our peace maker. Each of us mourning in our own way. Each of us feeling a deeper sorrow than any other can possibly understand. We cannot even rely on each other because we are wrapped in our own selfish world of hurt and mourning.

I am sorry Dad. I drive your truck, (thank you Lee Brice) a familiar fragrance engulfs me, and I remember. Suddenly I hear your laugh. So uniquely yours. I turn but you are not there. I love your dogs, they miss you too. Funny how I know that. Sparkle cried for a long time. Tears in her eyes when I looked at her. She is doing better now. Maybe we all are. But I miss you.....

I had a visit from a fellow blogger, you can find her here.. She has created a beauty of a scarf that will make your mouth water!!! Jump on over and check it out. Thank you, cache mire cache-mire.blogspot.com  so good to see you here! 

Happy? or Joyful?

Everyday humans use words. Or perhaps misuse words.  I, for one find the use of love, much over and not appropriately used. Awesome is another misused words. 

Love is used to describe how we feel about another human being, or a piece of chocolate, or a type of entertainment. 

Awesome is an adjective used to describe an incomprehensible feeling or item.  Toasted marshmallow and gourmet chocolate cupcakes, although delightfully delicious, are not incomprehensible in taste.

Happy is how we feel as a result of an external factor in our lives. It could be a person, food, television program, a hug or a compliment from the boss. Happiness can warm our heart, make us feel good about ourselves, and effect a response to a situation. It is subject to circumstance.

'Happy' may also be used to infer quick...ie trigger happy?  Happy is something we have come to expect....now.

JOY, however is an abiding source of contentment that wells up from within.  Even in discontent and states of unhappiness, we are able to maintain our joy.  In my digging I found this older post. I am not suggesting I stand with the author in all things, this is the only article I read. But I refer you to read for yourself. (thank you Sherman Nobles)

Our joy is not diminished by outcomes of our human decisions about having pie or cookies for dessert. Nor is it determined by job choices and life circumstances.  Joy is more than an emotional response to situational contentment, momentary smiles and laughter.  Even in the depth of discontent with life circumstance, we can still feel joy.  James writes to the 12 tribes a greeting that states, consider it pure joy , my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds. because you know that the testing of  your faith develops perseverance....

So my friend, as I lift you before the throne today, my prayer is this, that you count it all joy. For one day we will be rewarded for our faithfulness.

Dollar Store special had cups with various words. Today, I choose joy.....Esther 9:22

With or Without Tears.

I am having a moment without tears this morning.
As a Hospice nurse, death is a frequent presence in my life. God has gifted me with the desire to minister to the families of loved ones facing a human ending chapter to this book called life. I have been with our local hospice on and off since the pre-patient days in the early 1990's.  Perhaps that makes me a veteran of sorts.  Maybe not.
The peace that attends many deaths is a comforting thing to me.  Last week I attended two deaths, the first since my Dad's own passing.  Yes, the tears fell. Yes, I miss my Dad so much. But I am blessed to be available for others in their time of deep sorrow and grief. Albeit somewhat expected in most cases, it is not an easy process for family members to endure.
I thank the Lord, for His grace, for giving me opportunity to share His love. Even families that may not walk closely with Christ, often accept prayer during the final hours or days of a loved ones life.  Praise God for times to share and seeds planted.

addendum,  now several weeks since I drafted this

Yesterday brought sunshine and warmer weather. As if there were not enough changes in my life, there are more going on and more to come.  The social worker in me, built in no formal training, understands that life changes effect our everyday.  Sixteen year old son= drivers license=trust and fear. SAHM goes to work three days a week, in addition to after hours oncall. Home school family changes=schooling schedule changes.....Well, enough said.  Today I was off work and watched my young son put together the lawn mower. First time for him. (it had been reconfigured for winter snow plowing) SUCCESS!
...and it works.

Plan you day to find some time to spend with Jesus, its worth it!

I Don't Have All Day...

Twenty seven months ago, we  were having an extended sleep over at Brenda's. Some family was there all the time. In the tiny video clip is Dad, as we passed the time. Some of the younger set were putting on makeup, so Papa Augie had to get in on the act as well.  I took a picture, but it turned out to be the video setting. He says, hurry up, I can't do this all day.
Now that may seem trivial to you, but I love to listen. It is my Daddy's voice. I miss that so much today. Because two months ago, he left us for his forever home.
Dad was full of fun in the best of times as well as in the worst of times. We were having that extended sleep over because my sister was writing the final chapter of her life. As with others that have experienced loss, one death causes us to revisit another. The pain and grief multiplies, until it feels like the physical pain will over come you and you will never find a smile in your heart again.
Psalms 23 is well know to many, especially at the times of funerals. It seems to be one of the more popular Scripture readings for services. When you read the forth verse, you will see the words (KJV) 'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil'...
Pay attention to the walk is through a valley and that death is a shadow.

The comfort I receive is from the knowledge that this time is one of  a shadow. Shadows, as we know are longer in the morning hours and again in the evening. At noon, when the sun is over head, the cast shadow is shorter. So it is with the Son of Man. The more we soak in his goodness, the brighter our life, the shorter the shadow. I see that as I walk in the light of Jesus, his comfort surrounds me.  When I move away from the Highest (Jesus), the shadow lengthens.

Dad has been gone from this place for two months.  It seems like yesterday, I talked to him. It seems like an eternity since I talked to him.....

I miss you and your love and zeal for life.  I know you were tired and trouble by life's bumps. But you never gave up.  So as I walk this trial, I will look to Christ to carry me through the grief that multiplies as I finish the race...

If you are hurting, I am praying.  Each post I write, I ask the Lord to reach the needs of any and all that may stumble here.

We do not know when it is our turn to close the book on our earthly life. Live it well, seek the Lord, I will be praying for you.